Elliott Dunstan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rokosourobouros) wrote2020-02-08 08:25 pm
rokosourobouros) wrote2020-02-08 08:25 pm
Entry tags:
The Witcher In A Nutshell - Episode 1: The End's Beginning; OR, The Director Yeets A Renfri
Anybody but me remember this from Livejournal? I found my own attempt at one from when i was 14 and while the emo jokes and transphobia didn't age well, the format.... is fun. Cringe culture is dead and I need a way to unwind. Spoilerrrrs AHOY!
TW: For all the same stuff as Witcher, but also, there's some joking about rape later in the post. Not the Mean kind of rape joke - just about rape backstories.
Deer: I love this beautiful, quiet, forest, that definitely isn't going to eat me.
Geralt: SORRY TO INTRUDE *gets a kikimora to the face* Bitch.
Deer: Listen, sir, I really don't like the way you're looking at me... oh no. Fighting gets you hungry. POLICE-
*Cut*
Barkeep: We don't serve people like you.
Geralt; That's racist. Where's my gratitude?
Renfri: I've got some gratitude for you if you want it~ *clears throat* Uh, hi, yes. Nothing suspicious about me at all. Just a woman in charge of a bunch of surprisingly un-short thugs. Seven of them, but that's besides the point. Nothing important to see, not even this shiny, definitely not relevant brooch.
Geralt: I'd be more suspicious, but you have really pretty hair-
Marilka: hey what did the interrupting cow say?
Geralt: nobody as-
Marilka: MOO!
Marilka: I wanted to be a PC, but my mother wouldn't let me. "You'll get an arrow to the knee," she says, "or you'll get an arrow to the knee." Anyway, I wanted to be a PC, but my mother wouldn't let me.
Geralt: You know this isn't a video game anymore, right?
Marilka: ...I wanted to be a PC, but my mother wouldn't let me. "You'll get an arrow to the knee," she says-
Geralt: ...Hmm.
Foreboding Doorknocker: I'm... I'm actually useless. Oh god. I have no purpose.
Director: Sir, you have no lines.
Foreboding Doorknocker: I'M USELEEEEEEESS-
Geralt: *no longer paying attention* Hm. Naked ladies. Mr, uh...
Stregobor: Master. Master Stregobor. They ran out of Good Wizard names, so I had to pluck one from the evil box.
Geralt: HM.
Stregobor: Anyway I need you to kill a lady.
Geralt: I kill monsters.
Stregobor: Monster. I said monster. Did I say lady? I definitely said monster.
Geralt: Aaaanyway. I would give you my rant about lesser evil, but quite frankly, you wouldn't be it even if I cared. Besides, she's hot, you're weird, and wasn't this supposed to be a moral quandary?
Stregobor: Oh but it is! She is a MUTANT! *thunderclap*
Geralt: ...I'm impressed at how you timed that, but I'm still not killing her for you. Buh-bye now.
MEANWHILE, IN CINTRA
Knights: Ciri, time to go be a princess
Ciri: But I don't WANT to be a princess! I want to play KNUCKLEBONES! and this is UNFAIR and MEAN! You're ruining my LIFE you MONSTERS!
Director: Sorry, uh, that's the wrong script. That's the latest YA novel adaptation.
Ciri: Oh thank god. My feet were already getting tired from stomping. Alright, alright, I'm coming. I'm still gonna bitch and complain about it, you know.
Eist: *dirty joke dirty joke*
Calanthe: Excuse me, a little decorum please.
Eist: Oh please. The audience is going to see you try to murder somebody at a fucking betrothal, you don't get to give me lip about decorum.
Ciri: Has that even happened yet?
Calanthe: Not yet, but it has.
Ciri: I'm confused.
Eist: That's okay, so's the audience. I'm just helping with the atmosphere.
*enter Messenger*
Calanthe: Ah. Hm. Er.
Eist: What's wrong?
Calanthe: Well, I could tell you in precise detail how I have enormously fucked this up and go do the thing we all know I should be doing to fix it, but we need plot tension and suspense. In summary, though, we are fucked harder than a raunchy cowboy after a hard night out and a full bottle of whiskey.
Eist: Yikes. We should probably plan escape routes for everybody, huh?
Calanthe: Poison's fine.
Eist: ....Yeah, poison works.
[BACK IN BLAVIKEN]
Geralt: Is this the part where you tell me your tragic backstory?
Renfri: ...I mean, yes. We can skip to the sex if you want.
Geralt: It needs the angst for flavour. Just don't tell me -
Renfri: I was raped.
Geralt: Of course.
Renfri: Listen, do you wanna write the damn script? Because I hate my ending and I can't believe I auditioned for a beautiful, deadly badass and got a rape backstory. I bet nobody else on this stupid show has a rape backstory. I just have to be the tragic Lost Lenore!
Geralt: At least you're not in Fables.
Renfri: ...TRUE. Uh, sorry, I lost track. Where were we? Not at the sex yet, right?
Geralt: We'll clean this scene up in post.
[CONTINUE TO CINTRA]
Eist: Darling, I love you, but I have questions about your tactics.
Calanthe: Listen, it's Nilfgaard. We ride our horses really fast, stabby, stabby, we're done and home in time for dinner.
Eist: The arrow in my eye and ten bucks says you're wrong.
Calanthe: FUCK!
[DIFFERENT PART OF CINTRA? WHAT IS GEOGRAPHY MY DUDES]
Ciri: i am BORED
Mousesack: [important timeline information]
Ciri: Cool, but have you considered that you're a bitch?
Mousesack: You are so damn lucky you're ri- er, cute.
[yelling ensues from hallway, lots of cursing]
Ciri: ...er, maybe it's good news.
Mousesack: How have you survived this long?
Calanthe: Okay, so the bad news is, I'm dying, Eist is dead, most of our army is dead, and Nilfgaard is currently raping, torturing and wholesale killing our citizens.
Ciri: And the good news is?
Calanthe: We already have a foster father for you! Yay!
Mousesack: My Queen, there's a problem.
Calanthe: ...I have a quest for you! Yay!
Ciri: *screams*
Calanthe: See? You even have magic. All set!
Ciri: THIS IS SO UNFAIR! How could you DO THIS TO M- Director, you gave me the wrong script again.
Calanthe: Unfortunately not.
Ciri: You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Mousesack: Time to go, MacGuffin.
Ciri: What?
Mousesack: Ciri. I definitely called you Ciri.
[SOMEWHERE BACK IN BLAVIKEN, AFTER THE INEVITABLE SEX]
Geralt: Did we.... skip several scenes? Wait. Where is Renfri? ....Fuck.
Henchman: We're here to stop you!!!!
Geralt: Fuck.
[The prettiest, bloodiest fucking choreography in the world ensues. Seriously, I can't mock this. It would wreck me to try.]
Renfri: YOU KILLED THEM!
Geralt: You told them to stop m-
Renfri: You chose!
Geralt: I was literally defending myself-
Renfri: How could you defend Stregobor? Where are your morals?
Geralt: You are literally threatening a kid right now - oh for fuck's sake. Why do I have a funny feeling the director wants you dead?
Director: Character reasons.
Renfri; I'M COMING FOR YOU NEXT, DIRECTOR! Sexist pig!
Director: I'm a woman. What, am I supposed to call myself a DIrectoress or something? Jeez.
Renfri: I will win against you! I will prove my dominance! I will prove that my dramatic monologue mourning Hux in iambic pentameter should have gotten me the lead role!
Geralt: You auditioned with WHAT?
Director: Just....Just stab her.
[Stabbity.]
Renfri: The light... it darkens.... like shadows, encroaching.... death, it comes for me with cold hands -
Director: Liiiiine.
Renfri: Oh. The girl with the woods... will be with you always. Hey, does that mean I appear more-
Director: No.
Renfri: Well, fuck you.
Stregobor: Aw yessss you killed her! I wanna chop up her body-
Geralt: Has anybody ever told you you're a creepy fuck?
Stregobor: hey, you're the one publicly murdering people.
[mob starts making noise]
Geralt: I'm starting to think there's a message about bigotry he- [stone hits him] Motherfucker.
Ciri: Can we switch? A creepy dude just grabbed me and I don't think this is gonna go very well.
Renfri: Oh god, no more rape backstories. DIRECTOR!
Ciri: [screams] DIRECTOR!!!
Director: Fiiiine.
[Convenient plot pillar crumbles under the weight of Ciri's voice.]
Ciri: I feel like there's a message about girl power here. Welp, time to fuckin' YEET.
Director: *face-palms* Could we keep some modicum of setting integrity?
Ciri: I just got kidnapped by a walking leather scrotum. I can say yeet if I want to. I can even conjugate it! Yeet, yeeted, yoten-
[ROLL CREDITS]
TW: For all the same stuff as Witcher, but also, there's some joking about rape later in the post. Not the Mean kind of rape joke - just about rape backstories.
Deer: I love this beautiful, quiet, forest, that definitely isn't going to eat me.
Geralt: SORRY TO INTRUDE *gets a kikimora to the face* Bitch.
Deer: Listen, sir, I really don't like the way you're looking at me... oh no. Fighting gets you hungry. POLICE-
*Cut*
Barkeep: We don't serve people like you.
Geralt; That's racist. Where's my gratitude?
Renfri: I've got some gratitude for you if you want it~ *clears throat* Uh, hi, yes. Nothing suspicious about me at all. Just a woman in charge of a bunch of surprisingly un-short thugs. Seven of them, but that's besides the point. Nothing important to see, not even this shiny, definitely not relevant brooch.
Geralt: I'd be more suspicious, but you have really pretty hair-
Marilka: hey what did the interrupting cow say?
Geralt: nobody as-
Marilka: MOO!
Marilka: I wanted to be a PC, but my mother wouldn't let me. "You'll get an arrow to the knee," she says, "or you'll get an arrow to the knee." Anyway, I wanted to be a PC, but my mother wouldn't let me.
Geralt: You know this isn't a video game anymore, right?
Marilka: ...I wanted to be a PC, but my mother wouldn't let me. "You'll get an arrow to the knee," she says-
Geralt: ...Hmm.
Foreboding Doorknocker: I'm... I'm actually useless. Oh god. I have no purpose.
Director: Sir, you have no lines.
Foreboding Doorknocker: I'M USELEEEEEEESS-
Geralt: *no longer paying attention* Hm. Naked ladies. Mr, uh...
Stregobor: Master. Master Stregobor. They ran out of Good Wizard names, so I had to pluck one from the evil box.
Geralt: HM.
Stregobor: Anyway I need you to kill a lady.
Geralt: I kill monsters.
Stregobor: Monster. I said monster. Did I say lady? I definitely said monster.
Geralt: Aaaanyway. I would give you my rant about lesser evil, but quite frankly, you wouldn't be it even if I cared. Besides, she's hot, you're weird, and wasn't this supposed to be a moral quandary?
Stregobor: Oh but it is! She is a MUTANT! *thunderclap*
Geralt: ...I'm impressed at how you timed that, but I'm still not killing her for you. Buh-bye now.
MEANWHILE, IN CINTRA
Knights: Ciri, time to go be a princess
Ciri: But I don't WANT to be a princess! I want to play KNUCKLEBONES! and this is UNFAIR and MEAN! You're ruining my LIFE you MONSTERS!
Director: Sorry, uh, that's the wrong script. That's the latest YA novel adaptation.
Ciri: Oh thank god. My feet were already getting tired from stomping. Alright, alright, I'm coming. I'm still gonna bitch and complain about it, you know.
Eist: *dirty joke dirty joke*
Calanthe: Excuse me, a little decorum please.
Eist: Oh please. The audience is going to see you try to murder somebody at a fucking betrothal, you don't get to give me lip about decorum.
Ciri: Has that even happened yet?
Calanthe: Not yet, but it has.
Ciri: I'm confused.
Eist: That's okay, so's the audience. I'm just helping with the atmosphere.
*enter Messenger*
Calanthe: Ah. Hm. Er.
Eist: What's wrong?
Calanthe: Well, I could tell you in precise detail how I have enormously fucked this up and go do the thing we all know I should be doing to fix it, but we need plot tension and suspense. In summary, though, we are fucked harder than a raunchy cowboy after a hard night out and a full bottle of whiskey.
Eist: Yikes. We should probably plan escape routes for everybody, huh?
Calanthe: Poison's fine.
Eist: ....Yeah, poison works.
[BACK IN BLAVIKEN]
Geralt: Is this the part where you tell me your tragic backstory?
Renfri: ...I mean, yes. We can skip to the sex if you want.
Geralt: It needs the angst for flavour. Just don't tell me -
Renfri: I was raped.
Geralt: Of course.
Renfri: Listen, do you wanna write the damn script? Because I hate my ending and I can't believe I auditioned for a beautiful, deadly badass and got a rape backstory. I bet nobody else on this stupid show has a rape backstory. I just have to be the tragic Lost Lenore!
Geralt: At least you're not in Fables.
Renfri: ...TRUE. Uh, sorry, I lost track. Where were we? Not at the sex yet, right?
Geralt: We'll clean this scene up in post.
[CONTINUE TO CINTRA]
Eist: Darling, I love you, but I have questions about your tactics.
Calanthe: Listen, it's Nilfgaard. We ride our horses really fast, stabby, stabby, we're done and home in time for dinner.
Eist: The arrow in my eye and ten bucks says you're wrong.
Calanthe: FUCK!
[DIFFERENT PART OF CINTRA? WHAT IS GEOGRAPHY MY DUDES]
Ciri: i am BORED
Mousesack: [important timeline information]
Ciri: Cool, but have you considered that you're a bitch?
Mousesack: You are so damn lucky you're ri- er, cute.
[yelling ensues from hallway, lots of cursing]
Ciri: ...er, maybe it's good news.
Mousesack: How have you survived this long?
Calanthe: Okay, so the bad news is, I'm dying, Eist is dead, most of our army is dead, and Nilfgaard is currently raping, torturing and wholesale killing our citizens.
Ciri: And the good news is?
Calanthe: We already have a foster father for you! Yay!
Mousesack: My Queen, there's a problem.
Calanthe: ...I have a quest for you! Yay!
Ciri: *screams*
Calanthe: See? You even have magic. All set!
Ciri: THIS IS SO UNFAIR! How could you DO THIS TO M- Director, you gave me the wrong script again.
Calanthe: Unfortunately not.
Ciri: You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Mousesack: Time to go, MacGuffin.
Ciri: What?
Mousesack: Ciri. I definitely called you Ciri.
[SOMEWHERE BACK IN BLAVIKEN, AFTER THE INEVITABLE SEX]
Geralt: Did we.... skip several scenes? Wait. Where is Renfri? ....Fuck.
Henchman: We're here to stop you!!!!
Geralt: Fuck.
[The prettiest, bloodiest fucking choreography in the world ensues. Seriously, I can't mock this. It would wreck me to try.]
Renfri: YOU KILLED THEM!
Geralt: You told them to stop m-
Renfri: You chose!
Geralt: I was literally defending myself-
Renfri: How could you defend Stregobor? Where are your morals?
Geralt: You are literally threatening a kid right now - oh for fuck's sake. Why do I have a funny feeling the director wants you dead?
Director: Character reasons.
Renfri; I'M COMING FOR YOU NEXT, DIRECTOR! Sexist pig!
Director: I'm a woman. What, am I supposed to call myself a DIrectoress or something? Jeez.
Renfri: I will win against you! I will prove my dominance! I will prove that my dramatic monologue mourning Hux in iambic pentameter should have gotten me the lead role!
Geralt: You auditioned with WHAT?
Director: Just....Just stab her.
[Stabbity.]
Renfri: The light... it darkens.... like shadows, encroaching.... death, it comes for me with cold hands -
Director: Liiiiine.
Renfri: Oh. The girl with the woods... will be with you always. Hey, does that mean I appear more-
Director: No.
Renfri: Well, fuck you.
Stregobor: Aw yessss you killed her! I wanna chop up her body-
Geralt: Has anybody ever told you you're a creepy fuck?
Stregobor: hey, you're the one publicly murdering people.
[mob starts making noise]
Geralt: I'm starting to think there's a message about bigotry he- [stone hits him] Motherfucker.
Ciri: Can we switch? A creepy dude just grabbed me and I don't think this is gonna go very well.
Renfri: Oh god, no more rape backstories. DIRECTOR!
Ciri: [screams] DIRECTOR!!!
Director: Fiiiine.
[Convenient plot pillar crumbles under the weight of Ciri's voice.]
Ciri: I feel like there's a message about girl power here. Welp, time to fuckin' YEET.
Director: *face-palms* Could we keep some modicum of setting integrity?
Ciri: I just got kidnapped by a walking leather scrotum. I can say yeet if I want to. I can even conjugate it! Yeet, yeeted, yoten-
[ROLL CREDITS]